In memory of my mom

Today I woke up with that feeling... Something isn't right, something is missing. Haven't left the house lately so I know I haven't forgotten anything, double check cell phone, diaper bag and purse. Nope all there. Takes me a bit, but then I remember the date. March 11.
Today was the day of my moms birthday. She would of been 52.

I was trying to think of a pic to post along with this, but we just moved our computer and the scanner isn't hooked up yet so this is all I have. This was taken the Christmas of 1982. The last one she was with us. Some of you know that she passed when I was young. 1983. I was 8 years old, she was 28. She has been gone 24 years out of the 32 years of my life - sometimes its weird to think I even ever had a mother since my memories of her are so few. I have some, and I cherish them deeply.

One reason that I have made it a point to stay home with my kids and why I completely smother my children daily. No really I don't smother them, at least I don't think I do... I'd like to think I am just very present in their lives and I absolutely write down every detail of everything that they do in fear that I will not be here some day to tell them all about it. Another reason I journal so much for them is that they might know a bit about who I am and things I enjoy about this wonderful life we share.
Funny how sometimes when people are gone noone wants to talk about them. For me growing up that was hard. I so wanted to know all about her, what kind of foods did she like? How did she act when she was angry or when something was funny? Did she have a good laugh?? Some things I never will know. Luckily I have ran into her best friend from high school and she tells me EVERYTHING she can remember. Which reminds me, I think I will give Marilyn a call this week ;)

I did make it past 28 which is something that was always in the back of my mind. Weird, I know but I never thought I would live longer than her, but thankfully I have so far.
I have been dwelling on this all so much lately. The past. Most days I get through just fine but lately a lot of the past has been up front and center for me. I am going to be giving my testimony at a tea and treasure day for our mops group and have been praying about what all I should be saying. Soo many parts of my past have been on my mind, but especially today I am thinking of my mom.
Something you don't realize unless you have lost your mother is how many different times in your life you need your mommy! The greiving process repeats itself over and over throughout your life. When I moved out on my own, when I was proposed to, getting married, having the kids So many life changing events you greive again. Different, but its still there.
I started reading a book recently called Motherless Daughters by Hope Edelman. and I am enjoying it so much. She also wrote one called Motherless Mothers which I hope to have time to read also. The more I read of it, the more some of the goofy things I do make sense. But I am not going to dwell on the sad stuff anymore tonight. Just going to think my happy thoughts. Know I am who I am today because of the events that have occured in my life and know that someday we will be together again!
Happy Birthday MOM!